Brielle Eliana

Dec 2nd 2020

I was an icicle the whole time and kept my sweatshirt draped over my head, my eye patch on and for a while also had my mask on. The nurse at one point said, “oh sorry, did that hurt?” And I said, “how could you tell? Was it my facial expression?” She got a kick out of that. 

John refused to turn his couch into a bed and refused blankets. Sometimes he’s weird. Lol. Then he slept at attention for the entire night. Haha. 

 

Our Angel babes

 I never blog but I often come to it for info when I need dates and such. Specifically with the babies we’ve lost 

I haven’t posted about all our lost babies and I just wanted to add their birthdays so I have them easier for later. 

Delaney Mae - 11/12/16

Quincy V - 11/28/17

Adriel Italia - 6/4/18 

Aria Serafina - 12/8/18

Currently in the hospital with Brielle Eliana - will be born 12/1/20 or 12/2/20. I’ll update. 

Newspaper clipping

My mom worked at the newspaper and was promoting manito park in spokane. I am on the picnic blanket closest to the camera, feeding the little baby. Melissa is hula hooping, Matt in overalls and Marshall in purple

Finding Gma

 

Newspaper clipping of wedding

Mom, Gramps, JoAnn, Emma, Daniel, their parents

Grandpas grandparents 

Grandpas parents with mom

Grandpa and uncle danny

JoAnn and Mom

Grandpa and JoAnn

JoAnn on right, possible sister on left

JoAnn on left, possible sister on right

Debbie McNab - Moms half sibling

Cathy Wright - moms half sibling

JoAnns dad was in prison for murder

Cathy and Debbie's son, Gary, died of AIDs

Let's try this again

Let's try this again...

I think I am going to try my hand at blogging again. 

I like the record keeping aspect of it. 

I think it helps me to write down feelings. 

I also like to be able to look up a specific month and find something to prove to john that I am, in fact, correct about something. HAHA! 

Speaking of trying things again. 

 I am pregnant.

Honestly, I am not sure how I feel about it. 

It was a shock. To say the least. 

When I first found out I was shaken. 

I felt as if someone just told me I had some terrible terminal illness. 

A day or so later I just felt...nothing. 

I was honestly glad to feel nothing. 

I was hoping I could hold onto that, as horrible as it sounds. 

I didn't want to pick out another name. Even if it was just in my head. 

I didn't want to imagine a nursery or where we would put a baby swing. 

I didn't want to think of how THRILLED the kids would be to have another sibling, (they have been asking. Often.) 

I just wanted to feel nothing. 

As the days have gone on, nothing has turned into some excitement. 

Nooo!! Here we go again. 

I remember, with Adriel I told myself "I am going to CELEBRATE her. No matter what the outcome! I am not going to deprive her of a happy excited mother!" 

This time I just....I just dont have the energy. 

I am letting my feelings come in waves. 

Letting them do what they want. 

I have felt everything. 

Disappointment, excitement, fear, happiness, sadness, fear, hopelessness, depression, and did I mention fear? 

I keep saying, "I can NOT go through this again!" but deep down, I know I can. 

If it happens, I will be ok. Just like all the other times. 

Everything will all work out. 

It always does. 

Theres been a couple of things that I found interesting during this time finding out I was pregnant. 

The first was on September 30th. 

That evening we were at Nona's and Gianna came up to me and mentioned "when we have a baby next time.....blah blah" 

and I felt the urge to stop her.

I usually dont, as she mentions having babies often, but this time I did.

I stopped her and said, "Gianna, we may not have another baby. Maybe we will, but we might not."

She cried. My poor sweet sensitive girl.

I told her that it was all up to God.

If God wanted to put a baby in my belly, he would. 

And if he didn't want to, he wouldn't. 

I also mentioned that if he did, he might need it to live in Heaven with him like the others. 

It made her sad, but I felt it needed to be said. She also asked me to help her say a prayer for a baby, so we did. 

The next day, October 1st, without thinking I was pregnant AT. ALL. I took a test. 

I had just been abnormally tired which is always my first sign. However, my period wasn't due. 

The only thing about that is...my period hadn't regulated since the loss of Adriel so who really knows when I was due. 

AH! I couldn't believe it. 

Also, I was DREADING October. DREADING it. 

October is Miscarriage awareness month, so I knew there would be LOTS of stuff posted everywhere to remind me of my losses, and there has been! 

It was also Adriel's due date month (October 15th) 

I thought it was funny that I found out October 1st. 

It felt like God was saying, "Don't worry, Molly. The pain of this month will end beautifully."

That's what im hoping for at least. 

However, I am prepared for whatever comes my way. 

My first doctors appointment is tomorrow.

Lots of questions will be asked! 

Baby V

I never blogged about Baby V. 

I couldn't bring myself to, honestly. 

I just wanted the pain to go away...I also had some guilt about Baby V. 

She was going to be named Quincy. 

I refused to use that name when she died because I had already lost the name "Delaney" which was a favorite of mine. So I stuck Baby V with a roman numeral. 

I never looked at her. 

I never held her. 

I saw her for a SPLIT second as John held her and I quickly turned my head. 

She had suffered some damage and I just didn't want to remember that. 

It made my stomach sick thinking about that. 

I sure wish I would have held her. 

I wish I would have kissed her tiny little head. 

It gives me peace, though, that she knows I love her. 

Today is Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month. 

It's also Adriel's due date. *sigh* 

I've done a lot of thinking and pondering today.

I've been happy and sad today. 

Her birth was a bit more traumatic than the others. 

1.)  I was HEAVILY drugged. 

2.) my cervix closed on her head as she was coming out and they couldn't get it to open up, so I had to have a D&C.

Baby V, or Quincy, was born on November 28th 2017. 

She was TINY. 

1.8oz and 5 inches long. 

Telling the girls about THIS one was a doozy. 

I never want to have to tell them sad news in their innocent childhood ever again. 

It's so terrible. 

We love her. We miss her. 

She's our second angel we got to hold (I held her in my belly)

She is another heart we see and think of. 

She will never be forgotten. 

Adriel Italia Stark - June 4 2018

Adriel Italia Stark

born sleeping on June 4th 2018

8.6oz and 9.75 inches long

Giving her a bath before getting her dressed

John getting her tiny little diaper ready

Funny story, after 8.5 years of marriage, John never realized I had freckles all over my face. 

I talked about them today and he said "whaaaat!? you dont have freckles all over!" 

So I showed him this picture. He then came and investigated my face with a flashlight. 

Dumbfounded he said, "would ya look at that! there they are! I must just have been looking past them all this time." .....AHHAHA

Holding mamas finger

She had the cutest little mouth. Her gums and tongue were so adorable.

I love this sweet man more than I can ever express. I love how he is a manly man, but not afraid to cry 

John snuggled her for quite some time

I loved her sweet little hands and tiny microscopic eyelashes, just like her mama (hehe)

We tried to make heart hands to show the girls years from now. Their favorite thing to do.